


Dear Oswald

by Esperata



Series: Arkham Correspondence [1]
Category: Gotham (TV)
Genre: Letters, Love Confessions, M/M, Realization, Stream of Consciousness, Therapy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-03
Updated: 2019-05-03
Packaged: 2020-02-18 12:03:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,308
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18699247
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Esperata/pseuds/Esperata
Summary: Set during the ten year jump. While Ed is in Arkham, his therapist suggests he write a letter to someone important in his life.It takes a turn he doesn't expect.





	Dear Oswald

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Gotham AU](https://archiveofourown.org/external_works/478747) by vampirebillionaire. 



> I set myself a challenge of writing this in a one hour time limit to mimic a real sort of therapy activity session. There's minimal editing so it might read a bit jerkily.
> 
> All credit to the initial tumblr post for the idea.

Dear Oswald

My therapist told us all to write to someone important to us. To get things off our chest. At first I thought this was unnecessary. After all this time surely everything of importance has been said between us. Then I reconsidered because in actuality _nothing_ of importance has been said. We’ve moved on and tacitly agreed to forget the past. Perhaps this was a mistake. Maybe some things need to be said before we can truly move on with our lives.

Where to start? Well I think you know this but its important so I’ll start with it. I don’t hate you Oswald. I’ve never hated you. I’ve been angry at you. A lot. But I’ve never hated you.

Wow. OK. That actually did feel good to put out there.

I said before that you’re my best friend Oswald and that’s still true. Even though I shot you after that I never stopped feeling you were my only real friend. Did you know how hard I found it when I thought I’d killed you? Did I ever tell you about that? I missed you so much. You were right. Killing you did kill a part of me. I got so desperate that I took hallucinogens just to see you. Ridiculous isn’t it? The visions were never really you. Just conjured from my subconscious telling me what I already knew. That I didn’t want you dead. That only you ever understood me. Better than I understood myself even.

I was so relieved to see you alive Oswald but I couldn’t admit it. I’d finally remade myself and I was afraid that you would undo all that. You always did have a knack for reading people, sensing their greatest weakness and using it against them. Perhaps it was less fear of you and more fear of my own weakness. Finding my confidence was a long process for me. That’s something I’ve always admired in you. Your utter confidence in yourself. Is that what having loving parents does for you? That’s certainly what knowing you did for me.

My life improved so much for knowing you Oswald. It may seem a strange thing to say given my current situation here in Arkham but it’s true. I wouldn’t change a thing. Not even the bad parts that I thought might break me because ultimately they made me stronger.

Although if I could change one thing it would be our current captivity. Being apart from you actually hurts. So many times I see something or think of something and I wish you were here to share it knowing you would appreciate it as I do. The idea that I might never get to see you again –

OK. I had to take a moment. Nearly had a panic attack. I couldn’t stop remembering that grenade and how close we came to death. How close _you_ came. For _me_. That _hurt_ Oswald. The thought of you being gone. I could not cope with that. Not again.

I was so stupid back then when Isabella died. I thought that was pain. It wasn’t. I was shocked, disturbed by having my plans derailed, but not actually pained. Then I learned it was you and I felt betrayed. I should have realised then I felt more about you lying to me than her dying but I didn’t. I only felt true grief when you died. The idea of facing that again is abhorrent. The idea of not seeing you, not talking to you…

Talking to you is the only time I feel understood. The only time I can say what’s on my mind, whatever is on my mind, and not feel judged. And listening to you is always so worthwhile. You’re not like everyone else. You’re vibrant and alive. Dazzling in your intensity. I don’t want to lose that. Ever.

I need you in my life Oswald. I have no right to ask but please say you still feel you need me too. I know I said love is sacrifice and so I should be prepared to let you go but…

Oh.

I wasn’t expecting that. To use that word. Love.

Well isn’t that ironic? I can’t believe it’s taken me this long and a therapy exercise to realise it. This is the worst possible time I could have conceived of for an epiphany. You’re locked away in Blackgate and I’m stuck here. I want to scream.

I also want to laugh because it’s absolutely true Oswald. I do love you. I love you with an intensity so fierce it scares me. I’d do anything for you. I’ve said that before haven’t I? Have I been in love with you that long and not realised? Could we have been together all these years instead of caught in a frustrated battle of cat and mouse? How could I have been so blind? What was I thinking in denying you when you told me point blank what was patently true?

I can only plead my own fractured psyche. I wasn’t whole. I wasn’t me. But I am now. I know who I am at last. And I’m ready to follow my heart.

If you still want me.

I can scarcely hope that you’ll be willing to open your arms to me after all the torment I’ve put you through. But I am begging you for a chance. I am willing to do anything to make it up to you. If it takes me the rest of my life I will never let a day go by that I don’t remind you I love you.

Oh Oswald. I want to kiss you so badly right now. Would you taste of whiskey? Or would you taste of that lip balm you favoured? I can remember so many details and I’m trying to bring the image to life in my mind. Your skin so soft from that foundation you use to hide your freckles. Hair so stiff from gel and spray taming it to your will. How often would I need to run my hands through it to bend it to mine?

Would your eyes look at me like they used to? No-one has ever looked at me like that Oswald. Like I was someone special. I want to look at you the same way. Make you feel as if you’re the only star in my sky. Would you allow me to massage your leg for you? It was the one area you never accepted my help with before but maybe things have changed? It can’t be more sensitive than bandaging your eye.

I’d like to feel your skin beneath my hands. I can imagine you trembling. Doe like and beautiful. But perhaps not. Perhaps you’d be as demanding in bed as you are elsewhere. I have no objection either way and it’s a mystery I’d much like to solve.

Will you let me? Can I hope to be let into your heart again? The logical part of my mind says not. I denied you too long. Why should you believe me now? In all probability you already have your eye on someone else. Rationally I know that if I truly love you as I profess to then I should be happy if you’re happy, even if it’s with someone else.

But my blood boils at the very thought! There is no-one alive who could love you as I do Oswald. I would kill for you. And have. I would die for you. Who else could make that claim? If they do I shall put them to the test. See how willing they are when faced with torture and pain.

My love! How I understand now what you felt! This fire is unquenchable. It will consume me utterly.

Have pity on me. Say you’ll think of me. Say it’s not hopeless.

**Author's Note:**

> The tumblr suggestion is that this letter was supposed to be a therapy exercise, kept completely confidential. However it gets sent to Oswald anyway. ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯ I'll let you imagine your own surrounding scenario.


End file.
